I'm just kinda here, aren't I?

[princeofdoom]

TBH, I think my biggest issue right now creatively is:

I just don't enjoy writing anymore. I'm more than happy to write for a purpose, or to engage with friends. And I don't really have a "better" creative outlet for myself. (drawing is extremely tiring for me and I hate the process of doing it, and hate the outcome when I do. Composing music only comes naturally to me when I have some instrument to fiddle around with. I'm not one for taking pictures, again unless it's for a specific goal or aim.) I don't have another way to present the stories I want to share.

But for that matter: What stories?

I have characters. I have general ideas about their motivations and personalities. But actual stories? I don't know. It's not that I'm waiting for the all-lauded "inspiration", some great idea that forces me to write just by the fact it exists. It's that as soon as I try to think about story ideas, settings, possible character arcs or the like, my brain goes completely blank. It's not that I think all my ideas are bad, I just don't have ideas. I don't know what I want or what I enjoy any more. I have no goal to work toward and so no motivation to write. I don't even hate writing as much as I hate having nothing to write about that actually feels important.

I've always preferred pain to being numb. I'd rather hurt desperately than be unable to feel at all. And yet, I'm in a place mentally where I'm too numb to do anything.

Comments

[cassini]

[warning for oversharing probably ]

[here to sympathise on some level - me and izz had a chat today about my ''i'm not making anything' problem which is a real problem when i'm desperate to just not be here any more'. she brought up a few options, why don't i try and draw (because it's painful), try writing thing a (out of ideas and bored), try writing neverstuck (too painful), try writing anything (no ideas, whats the point). she can see i'm sorta working on some cosplay stuff but that, again, seems like a lot of work for no Purpose. cyclical depression stuff where i'm too brainslow to make anything and afraid that attempts to push through it will make me resentful ]

[i don't know if you're anywhere near me on my perch on the sociability spectrum (take a left at the 'frightened misanthrope' marker, i'm the one in the wheelie bin) but i feel like we must be pretty close on the creativity spectrum, where i've always been comfortably agonised on the 'creative energy and no direction' segment. i've whined about it before, how i can't even ask for prompts when i'm in this sort of slump because that involves exchanging words ( 3: ), with only a 10% chance of me getting anything from the prompt and a 0% chance of the donor seeing any return on their favour ]

[and on that note, i guess i'll just sorta shut up now because i'm afraid there's no concrete assist i can throw your way. i'm not in a solid enough state to throw my hangups out of the window and say 'let's attempt to solve our creative blockages with the miracle of collaboration~~'. (i threw a small hangup out of a ground floor window by admitting that i think i may one day be potentially capable of such a thin) but wow am i embarrassing myself now ]

[princeofdoom]

Thank you, if nothing else it's nice to not be alone with this even if neither of us are closer to a solution at the moment.